It was 4:36am ten minutes ago when I checked my phone in the living room. It's becoming a habit to beat my alarm, which is here instead of the bedroom because that solved my "snooze" problem. This is all a big deal to me - because I'm weaker than you think. Well, I don't really know what you think - or that you've thought of me at all. About a year ago, I was chatting with some people from an audience I had just addressed at a business association, when I realized that they all seemed to think I was this A-type personality that just gets stuff done (I'm referring to my Train Accidents, Speaking, and Ultra Endurance Racing). It is nowhere near the truth.
I didn't lie to them, but I was definitely holding back. I've found it has much more impact to shared the real struggle that it is for me to accomplish the things I've wanted to do. It helps because it is hard for all of us to become just that little bit better. One quick example I have, on my phone I have a task list, one of the tasks I've assigned myself is to "Write out weaknesses". That has been on there for at least 3 weeks, maybe more than 5.
Okay then, let's do this:
- daily bouts of laziness
- procrastinate more than I don't
- of the people I know, I'm easily in the bottom 10% for being organized
- atrociously bad with money
- king of "big plans" without a good plan
- races might just be a copout as a way to at least finish something
- I leave things undone - which I hate and yet do more than most hobbies
- I always try to paint the best picture of myself
- for some reason, I'm not very thoughtful -I don't think of nice ways to show people I care
- a knack for tuning out that voice in my head - mental discipline is often something I avoid
- distracted with great ease - and I like it
So, this is really not fun to share, even though spam bots outnumber my readers. Hopefully, I have some time to become better before this finds its way to you.
There's been some good, I don't want to be pointlessly hard on myself. Yet, I think it's fair to say that I could be doing a lot better in life. Due to that list right there, and it could quite easily be extended, I almost killed myself twice with alcohol. Once at 18 and once when I was 23. It's not just that I skirted death, I should have died -people are gone because of less. The second time I didn't get off all that easy, I lost both of my legs as well. Skipping over the accidents and details, for now, I didn't learn my lessons, or even about alcohol with either of these. That took 9 more years and it was largely because it was either the wife or "the drink", as they say.
All along, I wanted to do better. There was a sense of what I was capable of and plenty that I dreamed to achieve. There was no sudden change though.
The truth is, I don't want to look bad here - nor am I trying to look good (that should be evident). I'm writing this because it's true and because, in my life, momentum is building towards what I want and I have to get there. My gut is saying this is the best thing I can do to keep it going.
There are always reasons to be optimistic. For starters, I finally wrote that damn weakness list. AND, that list right there has 11 items and I was just going to write 10. Not the most exciting achievement but I did it which lead to this post. I am trying to do just a little bit more - every single time.
A lot of things have come together. My racing has really helped me improve in many areas. Training brings outs the best in me. You experience the drive when you're out there and it makes me want to do more. I have to do things like schedule my day just to fit it in. Along the way people, books, and podcasts (more recently) have helped me. I really want to improve and I still have the chance to do everything I set out for. This is motivating and helps me see inspiration all over. I've sprinkled some of the things that help in past posts and will continue.
Yeah, it is getting better. There is still so much to work on though -that list is real, I wrote it an hour ago.
So, this is my call to keep fighting. If you can relate to any of this, I'd say discuss these things with yourself, your blog, your family, neighbor, cat (last resort), social network of choice (might be behind the cat option). Wherever and to whomever you can bring yourself to discuss this with, speak about your dreams and the struggle to get there. The more personal you make this, the better it is going to feel. I'm totally guessing bc I literally slept through the only Psychology class I've ever taken (AND I missed the final, which is a fun/pathetic college story), but I am typing this right now and it feels really good.
If you can't think of anyone better to share it with, email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Good luck to us both =)
AjK - 1oth February 2015th