My cover page suddenly makes some sense to me. I've always liked it simply as a celebration of all life is composed of while seeing ourselves as a bit wild and crazy too.
Exploring Some thoughts and I may understand something a little better...
Oddly, that has taken the realization that I understand a bunch of things much less than I assumed.
Conceptualizing it as a journey is what makes us human - but don’t forget that animal layer - the part you can’t quite understand or even control - try as you might.
Am I wrong? Are there parts of me I don’t understand and can’t control?
Why do I like what I like? Okay, this that and the other part… fine - but why are those important to me? Why am I drawn to those emotions? Why, really did I chose to do this?
When I’m up on a bridge, I realized that it isn’t simply the fear of heights that gets me - it’s the fear of myself.
A long time ago, when I was a kid, I just did stuff. Without being much aware, I was just out there living, playing, enjoying, wonder (but hardly contemplating), implementing a few basic lessons my parents taught me - I was almost fully animal.
This frontal cortex has kicked in, developing as I age (as it does). I’m too lazy to look it up but I think you are 25 before it’s finally in it’s more finished form. Add to that, a lot more has happened to me. I’ve been through some shit by now and contemplated almost dying, failing a lot, not being as awesome as I might have felt. And just aging and contemplating finite existence, etc.
So, that which makes me human is taking over more and more.
This balance feels extremely important. I need to rationalize and consider my behavior, on the one hand. Yet, there resides this massive part of what it means to be alive, and
I’ve just realized that I mispoke a few lines ago, because that which makes me human is not just this advanced and reasoning frontal cortex but the existence of that AND all the more ancient parts of the brain. I can’t be alive by just following one…
A big buzz fills my body, call it soul, when I consider these most unmetered feelings and desires. The things that don’t make so much sense, for my safety, security, bank account, responsibility-index (thank god that doesn’t exist - er maybe it does and maybe it’s called an income or home ownership or a combination of different factors producing a seriously shite score in my case) these carefree things that burst out, maybe just from some food I like or an adventure I’m contemplating devoting a ton of my life towards, or a music moving me to gush with vibrance as I cruise down the highway - unable to dance enough to show what i feel. Those things are mostly animal - it’s the uncontrolled layer and we gotta feed that beast (i’m pretty sure, at least).
17th July 2017